myselfwillbear | post-texting // for intenderembassy

[As soon as she hears that thud, she grabs the handle of the door, planning on rattling it, asking him what happened--

And it swings open.

She can't believe he didn't even bother to lock it. She can't believe she didn't bother to check.

She peers inside.]

...IV?

[He's tangled in his blankets on the floor, flushed and sweating with his eyes clamped shut, and IV just groans at the sound of her voice.]

Go away. Told you I didn't want to talk.

[Without the filter of being able to text, it's pretty clear he's not at his best. Not with the way his voice rasps, or the slightly slurred quality to his words.]

[...he doesn't look good.]

IV.

This doesn't look like a hangover to me.

[She approaches, slowly, and kneels beside him, reaching out to try to set a hand on his forehead.]

[IV growls a little, trying to draw back from her hand.

When she does touch him, though, he can't help but lean into it and groan softly. Because her hand is cool, because he's burning up and the relief of it is amazing.]

It's nothing.

[Oh. She nearly draws her hand back, when she feels how hot his forehead is. He's practically on fire.]

You're sick.

[(she tries not to think too much, about the groaning. now isn't the time)]

You should have said something when I asked, IV.

[She tries to manage anger or at least frustration but she's not getting it, today. She's just concerned.]

It's nothing, go away.

[He should pull away, he should make his point by drawing back from her and getting back on the bed, by rolling over and going to sleep.

But her cool hand against his forehead feels too good to move back from, and besides that he's not sure he can get himself back onto the bed right now anyway. Not while he's tangled in the sheets, tangled up and feverish and feeling like he's on fire.

(he whimpers, at the thought of fire)]

Just go away and let me sleep, nee-sama...

[It's soft, exhausted.

(he hasn't called her that in a long time)]

["Nee-sama."

She almost gasps, from the impact of it, how it twists in her stomach and brings her heart into her throat.

IV doesn't...IV doesn't call her that. Thomas calls her nee-sama.

Thomas calls her nee-sama, and Thomas is sick, burning with fever...he needs her help.]

I'm going to get some things for you.

[She speaks quietly, gently, not like V.]

I'll be back, Thomas.

[If he can let himself slip, then...then she can as well. While he's like this.]

[The softness of her voice has him starting to relax against her hand, no matter what his common sense is telling him. Relaxing with a soft, exhausted noise, fingers knotting in the sheets around him.

And then she calls him that.

The part of him that's still half-lucid thinks distantly, oh, I called her nee-sama, thinks that's why she called me Thomas.

But there's another part of him. The delirious part that thinks, abruptly and with finality, but Thomas died. And it's that that has IV jerking back, moaning softly to himself as he shakes his head back and forth.]

No, no, no, Thomas is gone, no, there was the fire and he punished me and Thomas is gone...

[She thought it was going to comfort him, thought it was going to help, but as soon as she says his name he jerks away from her and she knows that she hit something she didn't mean to touch.

"Thomas is gone", "he punished me"...

("he punished me")

("he punished me", after the fire, does that mean)

She reaches out to place the other hand on his forehead, tries to steady him.]

Stop...calm down,--

[...what does she call him? Can't call him Thomas, can't call him IV...]

...otouto.

[It sounds awkward, to her, doesn't quite fit as an address, but...it'll do. It works.]

No, no, I'm-- I don't get to have that I'm not... I'm just a tool that's why I have to do the things I do but--

[He cuts himself off with a shaky, distressed noise.

(there are tears in his eyes)]

I couldn't. I couldn't do it, she...

[Okay. Okay, he's talking, everything he's saying hurts but that's why she has to keep listening...

She just keeps her hand on his forehead, keeps him held in place, listens and prompts:]

What couldn't you do?

I couldn't let her die. I couldn't, I was supposed to but I couldn't. I could hurt her but I couldn't let her die and then he punished me and Thomas died and it was my fault I wasn't good enough I couldn't do what I was supposed to, I was bad I wasn't good enough why wasn't I good enough I--

[He chokes on a sob, leans into her touch and tries to move away all at the same time.]

[She's prepared, always, for his anger, for his frustration, for his bitterness and indignation. That's her job. That's what V does.

She was never prepared for his grief.

It doesn't even really register to her what she's doing, she's just leaning down and pulling him up and putting her arms around him.

(He's hot. He's burning. He needs to be cooled off but she can't leave right now.)]

No, no, no, no...

[He keeps it up in a quiet stream, over and over.

Nee-sama, he whispers, and hates himself because he doesn't deserve it.

(he's on fire, and that's what he deserves)]

[She keeps her hands firmly anchored on his back, rubs them up and down slowly, holds him close to her and lets him heat her up, lets her body cool him down.

She murmurs words to him that don't make sense, because if she were to say it's okay or you're safe now she would be making promises that she couldn't keep. So she makes comforting noises to him, that promise nothing but safety here, now, with her.

(it's been so long since she did this)

(since she comforted anyone at all)]

[IV is breaking. He feels like he's on fire and underwater all at once, like V is the only anchor to reality he has.

Something clicks in his mind, though, and he jerks his head up to look at her better.

(he's still falling apart; still flushed and sweaty and his eyes are too wide, pupils too dilated)]

I want to talk to tou-san.

[...that's...

That's wrong.

He calls him Tron, now. (Did he ever really call him tou-san...? She doesn't remember.)

She shakes her head.]

You...you can't see him right now.

[Her heart is pounding. (what does she do?)]

I want to see tou-san.

[He fists his hands in her jacket, eyes wide.

(frightened, young)]

Why won't you let me?

[She shakes her head, over and over.]

He's...he's not here right now, Thomas.

[(it's true, tou-san isn't here, he hasn't been for a long time)

She tries to get her old voice back, tries to speak something calm to him.]

We need to get you some water. Once you cool down...

[She swallows.]

Once you feel better, maybe you can see him.

[(liar)]

[He jerks back again, at the name.

(he's not Thomas he's IV because Thomas is dead why won't she understand)]

He's here, you said he was, I know he's here.

Please. I have to tell tou-san something.

[She doesn't want Tron to see him like this.

She doesn't want him to see him because he's weak, he's breaking, and Tron won't have mercy on him, he'll be just like always...

(and if he doesn't look useful then)

She clutches him to her chest, almost in a panic, and there are tears welling in her eyes.]

It's not safe.

[he's calling him tou-san and it hurts because IV knows, he knows they don't have a father]

Edited 2012-12-10 23:19 (UTC)

[IV struggles, but he's weak in V's arms. He's feverish and exhausted and his struggles would be barely enough to get away even if he were only leaning against her, without any grip of her own.]

I have to see him, please.

I'll come right back here afterwards, I'll be good. I'll be good. Let me see him, I need to see him. Nee-sama, I have to see him...

[There are tears spilling down her cheeks, now, but she doesn't let go. She keeps touching his back, lightly, trying to calm him down so he'll rest, so she can start to work on trying to heal him.]

Why do you need to see him, IV?

[It's gentle, quiet, barely audible and a little choked because the crying is making her throat close up.

She doesn't want to use that name, but it only made it worse to say "Thomas", before.]

I have to tell him. I have to tell him.

[It's like a mantra, and IV's eyes are slipping shut with his exhaustion but he doesn't stop saying it.

(he has to tell Tron that he's sorry)]

[His eyes are shutting. It's going to be over, soon.

She holds him close and rubs his back and waits for him to fall asleep, waits for him to give up and fall into her arms.

She can't let him. Can't let Tron see him. Has to protect this boy, this fragile shaking burning shell of a boy

(who had his boyhood taken from him)

(she took it from him)

(she sent him away)

It'll be over soon. He'll be asleep soon.]

post-texting // for intenderembassy

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