myselfwillbear | post-texting // for intenderembassy

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post-texting // for intenderembassy

[He didn't actually lock the door, even though he said he would.

(it had been too far, but after he'd said that he planned to V wouldn't bother trying the door, would she?)

Of course, that means that when there's the thump of him falling out of bed from inside the room, if V is outside like she said then there's not actually anything stopping her from coming in to see what's happening.]

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[She's prepared, always, for his anger, for his frustration, for his bitterness and indignation. That's her job. That's what V does.

She was never prepared for his grief.

It doesn't even really register to her what she's doing, she's just leaning down and pulling him up and putting her arms around him.

(He's hot. He's burning. He needs to be cooled off but she can't leave right now.)]

No, no, no, no...

[He keeps it up in a quiet stream, over and over.

Nee-sama, he whispers, and hates himself because he doesn't deserve it.

(he's on fire, and that's what he deserves)]

[She keeps her hands firmly anchored on his back, rubs them up and down slowly, holds him close to her and lets him heat her up, lets her body cool him down.

She murmurs words to him that don't make sense, because if she were to say it's okay or you're safe now she would be making promises that she couldn't keep. So she makes comforting noises to him, that promise nothing but safety here, now, with her.

(it's been so long since she did this)

(since she comforted anyone at all)]

[IV is breaking. He feels like he's on fire and underwater all at once, like V is the only anchor to reality he has.

Something clicks in his mind, though, and he jerks his head up to look at her better.

(he's still falling apart; still flushed and sweaty and his eyes are too wide, pupils too dilated)]

I want to talk to tou-san.

[...that's...

That's wrong.

He calls him Tron, now. (Did he ever really call him tou-san...? She doesn't remember.)

She shakes her head.]

You...you can't see him right now.

[Her heart is pounding. (what does she do?)]

I want to see tou-san.

[He fists his hands in her jacket, eyes wide.

(frightened, young)]

Why won't you let me?

[She shakes her head, over and over.]

He's...he's not here right now, Thomas.

[(it's true, tou-san isn't here, he hasn't been for a long time)

She tries to get her old voice back, tries to speak something calm to him.]

We need to get you some water. Once you cool down...

[She swallows.]

Once you feel better, maybe you can see him.

[(liar)]

[He jerks back again, at the name.

(he's not Thomas he's IV because Thomas is dead why won't she understand)]

He's here, you said he was, I know he's here.

Please. I have to tell tou-san something.

[She doesn't want Tron to see him like this.

She doesn't want him to see him because he's weak, he's breaking, and Tron won't have mercy on him, he'll be just like always...

(and if he doesn't look useful then)

She clutches him to her chest, almost in a panic, and there are tears welling in her eyes.]

It's not safe.

[he's calling him tou-san and it hurts because IV knows, he knows they don't have a father]

Edited 2012-12-10 23:19 (UTC)

[IV struggles, but he's weak in V's arms. He's feverish and exhausted and his struggles would be barely enough to get away even if he were only leaning against her, without any grip of her own.]

I have to see him, please.

I'll come right back here afterwards, I'll be good. I'll be good. Let me see him, I need to see him. Nee-sama, I have to see him...

[There are tears spilling down her cheeks, now, but she doesn't let go. She keeps touching his back, lightly, trying to calm him down so he'll rest, so she can start to work on trying to heal him.]

Why do you need to see him, IV?

[It's gentle, quiet, barely audible and a little choked because the crying is making her throat close up.

She doesn't want to use that name, but it only made it worse to say "Thomas", before.]

I have to tell him. I have to tell him.

[It's like a mantra, and IV's eyes are slipping shut with his exhaustion but he doesn't stop saying it.

(he has to tell Tron that he's sorry)]

[His eyes are shutting. It's going to be over, soon.

She holds him close and rubs his back and waits for him to fall asleep, waits for him to give up and fall into her arms.

She can't let him. Can't let Tron see him. Has to protect this boy, this fragile shaking burning shell of a boy

(who had his boyhood taken from him)

(she took it from him)

(she sent him away)

It'll be over soon. He'll be asleep soon.]

[Though his eyes stay shut, he keeps talking.

Not much of it makes sense any more.

All that's clear from it is that he still wants to see Tron. He's determined.

(he has to do it, and then maybe--)]

[He's not going to move now, is he...?

She tries to pull him up, to lay him on the bed.

She needs to get him help.]

Just...just hold on.

I'll be back.

...are you going to bring tou-san...?

[His voice is soft. Hopeful.

(he hasn't had hope in so long)

There are tears in his eyes but he opens them and smiles up at her.

She can bring tou-san to him, can't she?]

[She chokes back a sob.]

I...

I'll try.

[She won't.

She can't.

She starts to back out, towards the door.

(as soon as she's out she runs for the kitchen and maybe that'll help with the tears she shouldn't have)]

[Of course, it happens to be a time when the kitchen is already occupied.

He tilts his head when he sees her, eye going wide for just a second before his expression returns to the usual smirk.]

Oii~ii, what happened to you? Weren't you speaking to IV?

Did he mess up again?

[Oh.

Oh no.

(she has to stop this right now she can't be weak in front of him she has to stay up stay strong hold herself high she has to be the put-together one)

Slowly, she shakes her head, trying to pull her expression together and blink the remaining tears out of her eyes. She can't do this right now.]

He's...he's just tired.

[She tries to edge around him towards the freezer.]

[Tron might be a child (sort of), but he's not stupid.]

Eeeeh, really?

You wouldn't be crying if that were true. V.

[...she shouldn't have tried that. That'll just make it worse.

She pulls herself up, tries to stand tall (and tries to stop the tears from coming, too).]

He's ill. I need to bring his fever down.

[That's all. He has a fever and she needs to take it down. There are easy solutions to that, logical ones, she can feel like she's making something happen.

She edges past him to grab some ice out of the freezer and drop it in a bowl, then turns back to face him. Towels are next. She focuses on that.]

[He watches her, quietly.

She's uncomfortable.

(is there more to it?)]

...I'll come with you.

[No, no, that's. That's not good.

Nothing good can come out of this.

(isn't this what Thomas wanted? and she can't say no)]

I. All right.

[She blanks out her mind, goes to gather towels and get medicine from the drawer. Can't think about what Tron's going to say or do. Just has to think about Thomas getting better.]

Neee, are you sure he's even ill?

You know how he is.

[Tron shrugs, as though it's nothing. Nothing to be accusing IV of lying to her.]

You shouldn't be won over too easily by him because you're a woman, V. He's too old for you to mother him.

[She bristles, in spite of herself, through her tears. "Because you're a woman", she's so tired of hearing that and it's definitely not helping right now.]

He was burning up.

[Bad choice of words.]

I can show you if you need proof.

post-texting // for intenderembassy

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